Wendy M.
Contact Author
Wendy M.'s Story
Pressure to Perform
During my college years, I realized my worth had become wrapped up in my performance and the approval of others—family, friends, even teachers. The most frustrating part of this is that so often it would leave me hollow and empty and wanting more. I realized I was in a pretty constant state of stress and anxiety about my efforts.
Story Photos
[ click to enlarge ]
Story Tags
pressure, performance, anxiety, worth, identity, approval, peace
Explore the Story
Do you ever feel like the pressure has been turned up?
Especially as a deadline approaches, like at the end of the semester as you try to cram in all the studying, homework, projects, papers, and such that is required before finals and the semester break?! That’s the best way to describe the way I felt at the end of most semesters.
However, my performance in school had always been rewarded by good grades and congratulatory words from others. During my college years, I realized my worth had become wrapped up in my performance and the approval of others—family, friends, even teachers. The most frustrating part of this is that so often it would leave me hollow and empty and wanting more. I realized I was in a pretty constant state of stress and anxiety about my efforts.
I was involved in many activities growing up and excelled at most things (academics & music & relationships). I found comfort, security and happiness in my accomplishments. I had a drive for success. I found my identity in my grades. I was a straight-A student, a leader in many organizations, and had a large group of friends. Everything came pretty easily to me.
However, by the time I started college, I had lost interest in music. At the end of high school, I wasn’t quite good enough to be the valedictorian. Juggling relationships from home with new friends in college left all of them pretty weak and pretty shallow. In the spring of my freshman year at Georgia Tech, I was devastated by grades that threatened my scholarships. I felt as if my life was unraveling, because the areas where I found my worth were no longer areas of “success.”
I began to see myself as a less-valuable person in general based on my less-successful performances. I can only imagine how low my self-worth would have sunk had things continued, especially since school wasn’t going to get any easier. At college, I had quickly realized I was no longer a big fish in a little pond, but just another fish in a big pond, and specifically how insignificant I was in the scheme of things.
While I was so frustrated by these things in my life, I had two close friends who were handling similar circumstances very differently. I began to see differences in my life and in the lives of these two close friends. I tried to understand what they had or did that I didn’t. I asked them what gave them security and worth and joy in life. How could they enjoy peace and be confident in themselves despite their circumstances? They began to explain it to me over a period of time. A large part of it was based on their relationship with God. They spent time reading their Bible, talking to God, and trusted His control of their lives on a deeper level than just generalities. I didn’t understand why this was important. What was I missing out on? I had grown up going to church, but I realized I was not enjoying life to the fullest (like the Bible mentions).
Growing up in church, I had heard and believed that God created me and loved me. I understood that I was sinful—that I was not perfect, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do everything right. I believed that because of that sin, I was separated from God, but that God loved me enough to send His Son to die for my sins that I might be able to live with Him forever. I understood and accepted that because of Jesus’ death on the cross, I could have a relationship with God and spend eternity with Him. With only childlike faith, I accepted the truth of the Bible and Jesus’ death on the cross for my sins. But, because of my lack of deeper understanding, I lived as if I had little more than a moral example (Jesus), rule book (the Bible), and fire insurance (the cross).
As I spent more time watching and learning, I saw the peace that was a common thread through their lives. I saw how Jesus was not just important for after death, but important for now! I was excited by their comfort and joy, but the idea of surrendering control of my life—my decisions, my everything—was scary. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t have any good alternative. I would never be perfect and my best efforts were guaranteed to fail at one time or another. I realized the only identity I could count on and the only thing I could be secure in was Jesus Christ. The only thing that gave me worth was my relationship with God. When God made this clear, I apologized to Him for trying to make myself valuable by my own efforts and performance. God has already counted me worthy as He counts His Son. My identity is not in works or approval of others, but in being a part of His family.
I saw the early signs of change the next school term. I was able to accept my grades without shame. I was better able to deal with less than perfect performance in other areas of my life. My general stress was reduced as I was able to trust that God was in control of all of my circumstances including my work efforts and that He loved me and valued me regardless of my grade on a final. God began to teach me where my true worth comes from—from Him, not from my own efforts and performances. He sees His perfect Son Jesus Christ when He looks at me. He loves and accepts me simply because of the relationship I have with Him.
I can tell that God is still working on me in this area. I have seen opportunities for growth come along when I find myself caught up in a to-do list mentality and He reminds me that no matter the amount of good things I do, my worth comes from God alone. I have had the chance to talk to many friends about this exact struggle. I have seen students ride the roller-coaster of emotions based on their grades or work-performance. I have had the chance to discuss where they find their worth and security and if they have chosen a reliable source for that.
The struggle didn’t just go away overnight. However, God continually reminds me that my value is determined by my relationship with Him. With His offer of taking on the yoke of my burdens and His promise of peace in the midst of my circumstances, He calls me to work for His glory alone. That leaves no room for me to perform for my own worth or benefit. I am approved of by Him because of the acceptance I have based on the relationship made possible by Jesus.