lrice6
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lrice6's Story
Salvation From the Bondage of Self
Recovery from Anorexia
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Me and Kenla
no longer alone
Story Tags
redemption, addiction
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I always thought I could find happiness outside of myself. If only I could get straight A's, make the cheerleading team, get the perfect guy to fall in love with me, be popular, obtain financial security, change my hair color, lose weight, get organized, and gain control of my life. I believed I could "earn" redemption through making other people happy. I thought redemption could be gained through the acceptance of others, even if sin was the price to pay.
I grew up in an Episcopal Church. I attended church every Sunday with my mom and stepdad, who were always nice at church but transformed into different people as we got in the car. It was scary and the first taste of church that I acquired. I began to question who was truely happy or not in the church and why they were even there. The most praying I did was in my bed and it consisted of prayers begging for mom to sleep in so I wouldn't have to go to church. I got baptized on my own terms when I was 13 because I was saved at a Baptist church. I began attending the Wednesday night service every week and thought if I read my bible I would be a "good" christian. When I was 14, my family moved from Florida to Georgia and I lost all connection with the church. I had so many new worries I didn't make time for God. I pushed him aside and only pulled him out when I "needed" Him in crisis. I knew that Christ died on the cross, but I never understood why or for who. I never knew what it all meant. During high school my life took several turns for the worst. I went through several boughts of depression, drinking, drugs, sexual immorality, self-harm, and one desperate suicide attempt. When I thought God wasn't there, wasn't listening, and didn't care I gave up. I declared myself an atheist. I was depressed and assumed if there was a God all control then He sure hates me for all I've done. I decided that God was just something everybody made up a long time ago so the world would be afraid to do bad, so we would all gain a conscience. I then believed there was nobody to save me and began living my life as if I had nothing to live for.
In early 2006, the relationship I had with my boyfriend came to an abrupt end. We had been together for almost two years. I was extremely codependent on him because I thought I needed him to survive. He was my Higher Power and that was ok with me because I got to call all the shots and I had control. I worshiped him, but treated him poorly because of my self-centeredness, insecurities, and control issues. IAfter the break up I fell hard from one addiction to the next. I began binge drinking almost every night and slowly slipping into anorexic behaviors. In November 2006, I was emersed in my eating disorder and became entirely isolated from the world. For the next 6 months I fell hard and lost everything I had including my job, school, friends, family's trust, my life. I was driving home from therapy one night and I was crying so hard I could barely breath so I stopped off on the side of the road. I walked down to the edge and stood on a rock cliff and looked out into the ocean. I wanted to swim to my death. Then an overwhelming feeling of utter desperation came over me and I began to pray without thinking. I didn't even believe in God, but I was moved to get on my knees and pray and scream and ask why. Although a powerful conversation filled with anger, frustration, and despair, it was my first contact with God. I know He answered my prayer because a few weeks later I was placed in an amazing treatment center that my family never dreamed we could afford. I began reading through the Bible because it was the only book I had in treatment and we had a lot of down time. I began realizing why Christ died and who he died for, and it hit me. Christ loves me. Christ died for me. How amazing that He would give His precious life for a sinner like me. I learned that Christ wanted to be more than just my Savior, but also my best friend. He desired an ongoing relationship with me, and I had a desire in my heart for the same.
Doors began to open. My every need is met before I know I need it. I don't have to worry where the next dollar or meal will come from because God constantly reassures me that He will provide. God is my refuge and strength, the rock that keeps me steady when my world is riding rough. The impossible suddenly is possible. God makes it clear to me that He is undeniably real and is here for me. No other force on this earth could have brought about the changes that knowing Christ has instilled in my heart. The most difficult aspect of myself that still needs to change is.my mind. I will be in active recovery for the rest of my life, and I'm ok with that. I am a survivor thanks to Jesus Christ who gives me the strength to carry on. Without Christ I would have no life. Everything I have is from Christ; every breath, every loved one, every dollar, every ounce of love, joy, excitement, hope, and patience. I don't know how I existed on this planet without knowing Christ. He is the love of my life.
God is mighty to save. God is not prejudice, judgemental, resentful, jealous, or impatient. When I mess up God is right there to pick me up rather than kick me while I'm down. God has taught me that hardships are the pathway to peace. God is perfect, He knows everything and I trust that He will take care of all of us. God is love.