Laura Ward
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Laura Ward's Story
I Will Never Let You Go
: "You are a sinner, Laura Elizabeth. Those sins are yours, they flow out of your sinful nature and flesh, and you can only blame them on yourself. Your salvation was a work that was completely Mine--I humbled myself to come into the world and live as a man, I lived a perfect life and succeeded in all the places you failed, and I was hung on a cross and received all the wrath of God that your sin deserves. I saved you. And I will never let you go."
The summer before my junior year of high school, I began my first real relationship with all the best intentions of making it God-centered, but knowing deep down that this boy was not as strong spiritually as I needed. My Momma always said not to kiss a boy on the first, second, or even third date; so when 'Sam' asked to kiss me on our "let's-be-a-couple" outing, I guess I might've guessed something was a little off. That was my first real kiss. If I had known the pit it would lead me into, however, I think I would have just said 'no'.
After a month or two, we already spent a lot of time kissing; one night after I felt a line was crossed, I felt very convicted and hurt and confused. We talked about it and assured each other that that line was not going to crossed again, yet, we kept making out -- soon, more lines were up to The Line: sex. Somehow, sex was never an option (we'd both pledged not to have sex until marriage and were probably just too afraid of what would happen if our Christian families and friends ever found out); yet, classified not as bad as sex, those 'not-quite-fornication' acts were surprisingly justifiable. Not that I justified it once-for-all and never questioned it again - on the contrary, I was constantly crying myself to sleep, begging for forgiveness and strength to break free – it really sort-of ate at my soul. Still, it was like I had thrown myself into a deep pit, and though there was Help somewhere, I kept myself in the dark. Deep, deep, deep down, I liked the pit.
By my senior year in high school, I was spiraling into a real faith crisis. How could I call myself a Christian and struggle with such horrible, habitual sin? Was I really saved? Is there even a God? If there is a God, do I want anything to do with Him? I knew I needed to answer these questions. If there was a God, then He is important, and I cannot continue to live in opposition to Him. If there was no God, then bring on all the sin in the world because it's too hard to be holy in this world. I don't remember how long this gut-wrenching questioning period lasted, but finally, I knew that the answer had always been: Yes, there is a God. Yes, He's worth living for and giving up sin and the world. Yes, He's called me His and He will not let me run away from Him forever. I wish I could say that those physical sins stopped right then. In truth, while the sin got increasingly more heart-breaking and unattractive to me, I still continued to slip back into the pit. But I knew that I was the Lord's and I couldn't do anything to thwart that. I felt very in love with this boy and very attached after almost two years of dating, only intensified by the physical intimacy we'd given to each other. So I asked God to give me the strength to end our relationship and to take away these feelings of love I had for him, which miraculously, He did! This remains one of the biggest acts I’ve ever witnessed God do – I thought my world would turn upside down if we broke up, but I knew that’s what God wanted and He healed my heart in a remarkable way!
So, there I am, the summer before going off to college, free from a very spiritually and emotionally damaging relationship and ready to take on the campus for the Lord. A few months into my freshman year, I started dating a strong Christian boy (a Calvinist!), we had an encouraging talk where we shared our past failings and decided not to kiss at all until the following semester in order to set the stage for purity in our relationship. So everything is great until lo-and-behold when next semester comes around, suddenly we're allowed to kiss and very quickly we've jumped into the same pit that I'd recently got out of, that same pit I swore I'd never be in again.
Allow me to share how that part of the story ends, minus the details which resemble the painful ones of my first relationship. He broke up with me, and my heart was left broken in multiple ways. But the resounding guilty question in my head is, "Again?! SERIOUSLY? You jumped into the same pit AGAIN, after Christ delivered you?" I knew at that point, though, after all that the Lord had already begun to teach me, that I could not wallow in my self-loathing and uselessness. What was I to learn from this? How was God going to change me through it? And this is what I believe I heard from the Lord:
The answer to the question "Again, seriously?" and thus the answer to all the questions before, during, and after this grave valley of mine is this: "You are a sinner, Laura Elizabeth. Those sins are yours, they flow out of your sinful nature and flesh, and you can only blame them on yourself. Your salvation was a work that was completely Mine--I humbled myself to come into the world and live as a man, I lived a perfect life and succeeded in all the places you failed, and I was hung on a cross and received all the wrath of God that your sin deserves. I saved you. And I will never let you go."
You see, my story of redemption really begins before the foundation of the world, when God chose me to be called His own – out of darkness and into the Light of Jesus Christ. I see His hand working in every step of my life. He placed me under Christian parents, He caused me to want to be saved at the tender age of 4, He kept my parents’ marriage together in answer to prayer, He helped me to see that I wanted to and it was worth following Jesus all of my days before entering the 8th grade, and He brought me through sin and shame so that I would be broken of my pride and understand that it’s only by His grace that I’m saved. As Ephesians 2:8 says, “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.”
I can no longer boast in my own life. Even before the obvious sins of physical impurity, I was sinful – even from birth. I can however boast in the Cross of Christ, by which I’ve been redeemed out of the world, my sin and shame, and my self. I still sometimes struggle with believing the promise of Romans 8:1 that “there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus”, and that God could use a sinner like me in a big way. But the more I continue to learn about God’s character, His promises, and His purposes, the more I love Him and the more I long to be used by Him to glorify His name on this earth, despite of who I am and what I’ve done. Because, it doesn’t really matter who I am or who you are – it only matters that we know and trust I AM, God, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe; the sovereign Father (who purposed to covenant with His creatures in order to save them from His wrath), the Son (who humbled Himself and willingly made Himself a sacrifice for the payment of our sin debt), and the Holy Spirit (who seals our souls and transforms us into the likeness of Jesus!)