Approval

Even though I brag about being independent, I am seriously dependent on approval

Story Tags

dating, suicide, overwhelmed, approval, relationships, identity

Explore the Story

• Finding True Love
• Twists and Turns
• Where's God in suffering?
• Craving Acceptance
• The Hole in Our Heart
• Identity Crisis

Even though I brag about being independent, I am seriously dependent on approval... Whether it be friends or family, I feel like I cannot go on when I don't receive approval.

I grew up a Christian, making a specific decision when I was 13, but my need for approval didn't stop there. I became the pride of the family, being the first grandchild... Doing anything I could to earn praise. When I was in high school (before the dress code kicked in), I would wear revealing clothes to get noticed by the right guys. I would swear around certain people, act tough around certain people, and I would act "religious" around other people. I was all over the map.

Needless to say, I didn't really have any solid personality or foundation. I was whoever I needed to be to gain approval from the present company.

I broke up with my high school sweetheart (the one I was certain I would marry), my parents got divorced, and I graduated high school all in the same 2 or 3 months,. I thought I would explode. Who was I? Where did my security lie now? Who could I gain approval from in order to fix this mess? The mess was to big to be fixed by a simple nod of approval or new boyfriend. I had to find something true. I had to find something solid, because everything around me was like shifting sand.

If I had not been redeemed, many things could have happened. I contemplated suicide. I could have compromised myself into some terrible relationships. I could have resigned myself to depression mode major. And worst of all, I could have lived in an endless quest for approval, leading every part of me to death.

Jesus is super great at finding us right where we're at. I didn't have to go to some secluded sanctuary or hire a private detective to find him. He showed up at where I was at... Two high school friends showed up (randomly) and took me out one day. They were so cool. They were so joyful. They had something that I seriously wanted a part of. They shopped at the thrift store, and bragged about it! Clearly, these guys were not on a approval quest.. They had already found it. I found the Lord that day, and received life in all its way cool forms. That day, I heard as in Joshua 24:15, "choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...." and I had to choose. Approval from the world, or approval from the Creator of the universe? He's the lover of my soul... He knows EVERYTHING about me, and still sticks around...?

Paul said it best- Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

And also 1 Thess. 2:4 "On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts."

I am joyful because of something solid. My world feels like it's falling apart every now and then, but I'm always given a firm spot to stand on. It's like those bugs bunny cartoons where marvin the martian blows up the planet, and there is this itty bitty portion of the planet left for bugs to stand on... but he is still standing there.

I get to see myself in the light of Christ now, and whether I gain approval from men or not, God knows my heart. No more endless searching. I've been found.

Since then, I still find myself desiring the approval quest. Galatians 4:9 says, "But now that you know God--or rather are known by God--how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?" I've got to lay it down, because true life lies in true approval, which can only come from Christ.